Advice

Stay or Go: Pain or the lonely path.

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In a previous post I mentioned including and excluding people from our lives, and I have reached an impasse.

There’s someone in my life that I feel I have no other choice but to let go. It’s a sad commentary indeed, but when you can no longer trust your instincts, your emotional response, than what have you to go off of other than your logic?

It seems a big callous to use purely logic in regards to relationships, because logic excludes understanding to a certain extent.

Let me put it to you this way: when someone is emotional unavailable, for the most part, opens up and shares their inner most thoughts, and feels rejected. The emotions would seemingly have betrayed the person it was meant to aid in the first place. A feeling of betrayal, undoubtedly, leads to a sense of distrust, and that’s why the purely logical mind takes command. That’s when we reach the aforementioned impasse.

There is a young lady that I am very fond of that I’ve had to let go. Essentially I poured myself out to hear on more than one occasion, and that is highly unusual for me. I consider it almost a symbol of high-esteem when I grant access to those innermost thoughts. Afterwards I was left without a word, and left to simmer in my own emotional turmoil. It’s a disgusting thing to feel as if you’ve been emptied out into a broken cup. The end result is the emptiness and a bizarre loneliness. I’m sure you, my wonderful readers, have felt a similar distress.

You expect other people to leave you dangling with your body tossed to the wind, but never one you consider a close friend, and one above the squabbled mass of faces in your life.

I do make my decisions carefully, and I chose to make the one that would be the hardest cross to bear. I do feel as if I could make things work, but the lingering scar will remain and poison what remains. Also, I am afraid that if I don’t make this decision that I will fall again. And I also feel like somehow both parties involved will suffer. I accept my part in this and my inaccessible nature, but the dear Lord knows that I tried.

I suppose there will be one less heartache, but one more lingering and painful memory.

Boats, Relationships, and a little Bible for Spice

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I do not own this picture. belongs to walope.com
I do not own this picture. belongs to walope.com

Smooth sailing. The waves of gentle romance splash gently on loves boat, and you drift gently asleep… CRACK! A second later; you are faced with a Pirates of the Caribbean type whirlpool with lightning bolts as far reaching as the sky itself. What happened; just a second ago you were on the Love Boat, but now it has turned into the Titanic!

Okay, okay so I am being a little melodramatic, but I am an artist darn it all! Anyways, the ship that I am referring to is quite simply the “relation-ship” (pun intended), and the ocean is inevitably the forward progress of time, which is sometimes very coarse and other times peaceful. The person who doesn’t expect to get his/her feet wet in all of these romantic endeavors is foolish. The person who believes they will never be hurt, and won’t hurt, another is just as well. If love was as easy to love our brother and sister what need would we have for laws and principalities? No. The emotions that come all too easy for us are the emotions that are mill-stones around our necks in deep waters. It is: anger, resentment, cynicism, skepticism, melancholy and the other abusive feelings that pass over us like waves.

The wind and waves are rough teachers, but again, life and Mother Nature are not without their timeless advice. The waves are trials that should strengthen the hulls of our love for our significant other, and not weaken that love until our ship springs a fatal leak. The wind of adversity can topple us to one side, but can also be used to power us in any direction we choose so long as we respect its power. The creatures below the sea wait in the darkness for a meal, and they are the lechers that lust after our partners. Warning: do not feed the animals. You see they are there for a reason as well. By keeping our competition in the back of our minds that keeps us sharp for our loved ones, and keep the fire burning within us. Lest we fall asleep at the wheel and be swallowed up like Jonah!

I have a confession to make, and I like Jonah, had to face down my own fears. I recently had to tell my ex-girlfriend a very difficult truth. I felt as if my heart was being pulled towards another woman. I suppose this was a wave crashing into my very own HMS Bad News. I had been battling the winds of these feelings for some weeks, and upon the urging of a friend, I summoned up my courage and said the six words that any sea faring man or woman dread to hear: we need to have a talk. For the longest time before hand; I had wished my feelings to be non-existent for the other person. It was as if I was looking for a life preserver in the face of the incoming tidal wave. I had no idea of the other person liked me or not, and no way to deal with the storm that raged inside of me. So, as the captain of my ship, I did what I needed to do. I told my girlfriend I needed a break to sort out my feelings for the other woman.

Of course, our “relation-ship” hit consequently hit a reef, and all life aboard was banished except two life boats that went their separate ways. She called me later that night to tell me it was over. She didn’t want to, in her words, “play second fiddle” to another woman. I of course apologized profusely, and didn’t fault her for her feelings. Heck, I would have done the same thing in her shoes. I suppose in my heart you can never conquer the very nature of your heart. It wants what it wants and I suppose my ship is still awash in this ghastly river. The point I am making is this: honesty in a relationship and to you is paramount. If there is only one side of oars working then you will only be guided into a discombobulated spin. But the feeling of honesty is comparable to a feeling of lightness after the yoke has been lifted. Both of us have by now moved on, so I think, to safer waters.

I have now harbored my heart back at home where it needs to be, and had this profound time of reflection. It saddens me to know that journey of our relationship is over, but the ripples in the water behind me still remain, and for that I am happy. Only a bitter man looks back on the journey and hates where he has been when he has led a good life. As the Bible tells us; no matter what: love they neighbor. That has taken me a few years to fully understand, but with this most recent parting of sea-farers, I have learned to forgive myself and others much more fully. Like, I told my good friend, whose ship fell on bad weather, do not hate her or poison her memory but love her and the memories you shared. Human nature would dictate that as a Herculean effort. Take the time to center your ship and get your head above water, but you need to let go of the pain you hold in order to forgive. You will be amazed at how wonderful the feeling is.

So, my Jesters and Harlequins, if I haven’t “sunk your Battleship” with all of these ocean metaphors, then I sincerely thank you. I would just encourage you today to center YOUR “relation-ship”, to reconsider one that will not suit your future journeys, and let go of a ship that has already left the port, and as God forgives so too should we. I hope you find yourself in open waters and with clear skies. God Speed.

From guy to girl… WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

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I think at this point I’ll steal a quote and use it out of context. “This is soooo deliciously complicated.” – Sherlock Holmes, Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes 2.

Today I will not provide advice, but shed some light on my own. Its almost annoying to talk about because the scenario is just me over thinking it. And, yes my version of over thinking: ‘ I have to take her home. ‘ such a simple phrase yes? Not for me. My mind goes into FREE FALL with ideas ‘why doesn’t she WANT to stay?, ‘what did i say?’, ‘does she not like me?’, and all the other minutia that goes along with it. I just don’t know when is the right time??? I saw a good buddy of mine get rejected for a kiss after a date… phew it was hard to watch like a train wreck… I don’t want that to happen to me, BUT i also don’t want to risk it until I’m absolutely sure…

The thing is though… She brought (a friend). Which, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with, but I don’t know if she brought this friend because the friend likes me and she’s trying to set her up. I brought them both flowers and she said her friend wasn’t expecting the flowers. Well I thought… Were you expecting flowers?!? Did YOU LIKE DA FLOWERS?! ha. Oh, and she also told me about another guy she likes. Is she making me jealous or just Friend zoning me? Over thinking to the max! We are all at this point raised to be analysts: scrutinizing every move, reading and rereading text messages to find something we missed, and most off all trying to figure out if your efforts are all for naught…

One thing I do know for sure is… I love spending time with her and as far I know I love spending time with her. She looked so damn cute in her dress the other day. She’s just great.
But, anyways back to reality. Cut the romance music please.

I must take my own advice. Thus, by saying this I think I might try to steal a kiss from her next time we go out, and I’m making a firm resolution to do this. If I don’t and I shy away from danger… I’ll tell you guys about it…
If you have an opinion on the issue or some helpful advice feel free to comment below!
… Shaking in my boots as we speak…