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Murphy Log: Akward Situation

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Murphy Log #10

 

Murph Log: 7.22.14

Hello Murphees and Murphettes I come to you today in a sort of awkward situation, because you know the Murph doesn’t get awkward. I mean nothing interrupts my awesome ninja flow, especially with the ladies. No, this isn’t one of those awkward moments where you forget to forget to wear pants, or when you get caught taking a cookie before dinner. This is one of those moments when you’re at work, being awesome and getting your shine on, and then all of the sudden your co-worker “gets all up in your grill”. I mean I almost jumped back and said “Whoa! Get back funky cat!” I’m like the hippest guy I know. Anyways this little situation happened yesterday and let me tell you all about it.

So, yesterday morning I flew out of bed, much like Superman, and landed in the bathroom for my morning shower and affirmations. Oh? What are my affirmations? Well, like those fitness nuts that do 1,000 push-ups in the morning, I tell myself “you are awesome” at least 100 times in the mirror. I get pumped up and get ready to Murph the world up! After that I wolfed down 12 egg sandwiches my sweet, old mother made me. I kissed her a thank you and jumped out to my ultra-awesome, sleek, chrome wheeled bicycle and speed off at the speed of light. Come to think of it; I’m like the flash on wheels.

When I get to my job I make sure to hit the front glass door with my bike tire. That’s for good luck of course. People scrunch of their faces because they think it’s so awesome, but they forgot how to smile. After locking my bike up, I take the elevator upstairs and make it to my cubicle. I toss my tie-dye backpack on the desk of the blue square and crack my knuckles. “Today is going to be a Murphy day” I said to myself. And then I saw this quirky little symbol hopping around on my screen and then I thought,” This is a Muphemail I am receiving”. And I grabbed that rascally mouse and metaphorically tore open that little bugger of an email. Here’s what I read:

“Dear Mr. Murph,

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. You are awesome… Blah Blah Blah We will order pizza for you. Blah Blah Blah the new PS3 Game I bought.

Blah Blah Blah… This is a warning about your job performance. Blah Blah blah…,” and I had to do a double take and read the gosh darn thing again.

“Dear Mr. Murph,

We feel that you are not performing up to the standards this BIG money pit has set. Your superiors will be keeping a closer watch on you.

As your team flunkee I feel it is my duty to eat dirt and also let you know when you stray from the path. This is a formal warning about your job performance. If you have any questions, feel free to kick me in the groin.

Regards,

Inbred Neanderthal

*(The underlined, italicized sections I may have tampered with…)

So, you know what I did? I marched on up to his big, fat old salmon colored tie wearing self and I said “Are you jealous of me?” This pudgy old man’s name was Mr. Trask, but I always call him Mr. “Junk in the trunk” or Mr. “Trash” when he’s not around.

He wheezed uncomfortably and pushed up his glasses with his forefinger and responded,” Uh, no I am performing my duties as a…” I stopped him with one hand.

“You must have seen my dance moves,” I said clearly and with a smirk,” I mean I would be jealous too if you did this to me.” After that I kicked all the papers off of his desk, jigged to the left, jigged to the right, did the splits, flicked him off, and did the moon-walk out of his office. As a matter of fact I jigged right out of the office building.

The awkward thing that I mentioned is this: how are you going to face your employees when you just got DANCE SERVED! Ohhhhhh!

 

the murph

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Boats, Relationships, and a little Bible for Spice

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I do not own this picture. belongs to walope.com
I do not own this picture. belongs to walope.com

Smooth sailing. The waves of gentle romance splash gently on loves boat, and you drift gently asleep… CRACK! A second later; you are faced with a Pirates of the Caribbean type whirlpool with lightning bolts as far reaching as the sky itself. What happened; just a second ago you were on the Love Boat, but now it has turned into the Titanic!

Okay, okay so I am being a little melodramatic, but I am an artist darn it all! Anyways, the ship that I am referring to is quite simply the “relation-ship” (pun intended), and the ocean is inevitably the forward progress of time, which is sometimes very coarse and other times peaceful. The person who doesn’t expect to get his/her feet wet in all of these romantic endeavors is foolish. The person who believes they will never be hurt, and won’t hurt, another is just as well. If love was as easy to love our brother and sister what need would we have for laws and principalities? No. The emotions that come all too easy for us are the emotions that are mill-stones around our necks in deep waters. It is: anger, resentment, cynicism, skepticism, melancholy and the other abusive feelings that pass over us like waves.

The wind and waves are rough teachers, but again, life and Mother Nature are not without their timeless advice. The waves are trials that should strengthen the hulls of our love for our significant other, and not weaken that love until our ship springs a fatal leak. The wind of adversity can topple us to one side, but can also be used to power us in any direction we choose so long as we respect its power. The creatures below the sea wait in the darkness for a meal, and they are the lechers that lust after our partners. Warning: do not feed the animals. You see they are there for a reason as well. By keeping our competition in the back of our minds that keeps us sharp for our loved ones, and keep the fire burning within us. Lest we fall asleep at the wheel and be swallowed up like Jonah!

I have a confession to make, and I like Jonah, had to face down my own fears. I recently had to tell my ex-girlfriend a very difficult truth. I felt as if my heart was being pulled towards another woman. I suppose this was a wave crashing into my very own HMS Bad News. I had been battling the winds of these feelings for some weeks, and upon the urging of a friend, I summoned up my courage and said the six words that any sea faring man or woman dread to hear: we need to have a talk. For the longest time before hand; I had wished my feelings to be non-existent for the other person. It was as if I was looking for a life preserver in the face of the incoming tidal wave. I had no idea of the other person liked me or not, and no way to deal with the storm that raged inside of me. So, as the captain of my ship, I did what I needed to do. I told my girlfriend I needed a break to sort out my feelings for the other woman.

Of course, our “relation-ship” hit consequently hit a reef, and all life aboard was banished except two life boats that went their separate ways. She called me later that night to tell me it was over. She didn’t want to, in her words, “play second fiddle” to another woman. I of course apologized profusely, and didn’t fault her for her feelings. Heck, I would have done the same thing in her shoes. I suppose in my heart you can never conquer the very nature of your heart. It wants what it wants and I suppose my ship is still awash in this ghastly river. The point I am making is this: honesty in a relationship and to you is paramount. If there is only one side of oars working then you will only be guided into a discombobulated spin. But the feeling of honesty is comparable to a feeling of lightness after the yoke has been lifted. Both of us have by now moved on, so I think, to safer waters.

I have now harbored my heart back at home where it needs to be, and had this profound time of reflection. It saddens me to know that journey of our relationship is over, but the ripples in the water behind me still remain, and for that I am happy. Only a bitter man looks back on the journey and hates where he has been when he has led a good life. As the Bible tells us; no matter what: love they neighbor. That has taken me a few years to fully understand, but with this most recent parting of sea-farers, I have learned to forgive myself and others much more fully. Like, I told my good friend, whose ship fell on bad weather, do not hate her or poison her memory but love her and the memories you shared. Human nature would dictate that as a Herculean effort. Take the time to center your ship and get your head above water, but you need to let go of the pain you hold in order to forgive. You will be amazed at how wonderful the feeling is.

So, my Jesters and Harlequins, if I haven’t “sunk your Battleship” with all of these ocean metaphors, then I sincerely thank you. I would just encourage you today to center YOUR “relation-ship”, to reconsider one that will not suit your future journeys, and let go of a ship that has already left the port, and as God forgives so too should we. I hope you find yourself in open waters and with clear skies. God Speed.

Murphy Log: Wal-Mart Black Friday

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Friday 29th, 2013   12:01 AM

Ladies and Murphinators… I come before you in a state of disbelief.

BLACK FRIDAY.

  Now, why would the Murph write about such an alien ritual? No, need to ask, because I’ll tell you why. Because the exact reason why you’re hear right now: The Murph. 

 I had never heard of this Black Friday shenanigans until my darling, sweet mother yelled upstairs to my bachelor pad/game room “HONEY! BLACK FRIDAY!” Consequently I was playing ‘BLACK OPS’ and dominating with a kill streak of 0 kills and 10,000 deaths. I was so good my gun became a pacifist, because of all the slaughter-housing I was committing. So, when I heard my  mother cry out I tossed my X-box 180 (that’s what I call it, because I don’t need the extra 180) controller out of the open window and dashed/jigged my way down the stairs. I forgot my pants so I raced up stairs and found some parachute pants, and I threw on my best suit jacket coupled with my favorite Monster (from the Muppets) t-shirt on underneath, and returned to the landing to present my pulchritudinous self to my dearest mother.

  When she looked at me tears of joy filled her eyes and she said “Oh, my boy… Why do you have to dress like that?” And of course she meant that in a ‘you look like a Calvin Klein model dressed like that’ sort of way. With that, my fans, we hopped in our Volkswagen Bus, and scurried our way to the outlet stores. All the while the cool winter breeze was giving me high fives as I sat on the window (basically halfway out of the van), but don’t worry we were only stopped by a cop so that he could flash some strobe lights on me and to give my mom his signature so we could hang out and get a beer or something.

 And when we arrived to this desk drawer of a strip mall (I call places desk drawers because that’s where you have everything you need: pencils, socks, gum, maybe a slingshot, whatever). Mom, accidentally backed into some ‘limited edition’ Ferrari as she was parking, and the old guy stormed out of his car  and started hyperventilating with anger. He literally started stomping his feet into the ground, and breathing so hard his head lowered all the way to his chest and rose all the way back up to the crest of where his neck would allow. Now, hear me out: my theory is that he was SO mad he didn’t get a chance to meet me earlier. My mom was upset too, because all this geriatric needed to do was Google me and I’m on my Myspace!

 So, you know what I did? I walked up to him and said “No, need to fuss Grandpa time, I’m here now.” And he gave me this look of complete admiration that almost brought me to tears. I got in close and gave him a hug and whispered in his ear “Love is for the ants that search in the picnic basket.” I pulled away and looked him in the eyes, and I could that he felt the love, otherwise how would the vein in his forehead pump so much love into his heart?! I did a little cha-cha and gave him my signature wink and danced off into the neon sunset.

 AND now I finally make it into the store! 

 As I step on the black mat that serves as a welcomed mat to my grace the two glass doors part for me like magic. I scuttled up to the cash register and pulled the mic close in to me and depressed the button and said,” This is your DJ of delight, your General of Groove, your Master of Music, Your secretary of…” and just as I was getting through the first half the clerk pulled it away from me! He tried scolding me, but I waved my hand and shook my tush at him, and wandered off into the toy aisle.

 It was like a mad house in there! People were fighting just to get a glimpse at me. Women were tearing at each others weave, and children were plastic sword fighting to the death. Just a beautiful sight for any entertainer my age. I saw my mother even try to restrain a woman by throwing her into a pyramid of bath products! Ha!

   When, I finally found the “Etch-a-Sketch”, Batman action figures, and Yu-gi-oh! playing cards I was looking for I threw them up in the air and caught one with my face and the others I had to search for on the floor, but I’m tellin’ ya… I got mad talent. I hid them in my jacket, because I felt as if one of my fans might attempt to take something I touched and sell it on Ebay… So I took off like a shot to the front of the store and went up to the bright red cash register that said #1.

 The cashier looked at me and said “Uh, sir there’s a line in front of you.” He had a loud squeaky voice that would irritate the Bajeezus out of any normal, and sane human being.

 I guffawed and looked at this cashier named “M.G” and said “Look, pal I don’t see a line in front of me. In fact there is no line in front of me, so just ring up the masters’ goods and I will shake your hand.”

 He looked at me with his big buck teeth blinding me and with a trembling voice “Sorry, sir… um… please, don’t do this. I suck.”

 A customer tapped me on the shoulder and piped in “Hey, I’m next” he said angrily.

 I took the customers hand from my shoulder and balled it into a fist, and fist bumped him and replied “I know, man. This guy M.G just won’t shut-up and do his job. Retailers, ya know what I’m sayin’?”

 As I was conversing with the gentlemen in the leather jacket apparently the little weasel got in touch with his manager! And so this large heavy set man named Jo came out. He had a crew cut and a poorly kept mustache, and if I could accurate tell he had a large quarter sized drop of mustard on his white oxford shirt. I believe he came out and said “Who is this attractive young man with the cool haircut?”

 M.G scratched his neck nervously and answered “He cut the line, sir.” He looked as if he were about to #1 AND #2 at the sheer terror my awesomeness causes.

 The manager looked at me and said “Hey, man. You and me are cool. Don’t worry about this crap. I’ll buy you some pizza, but you have to wait on the pizza, is that cool?”

 I looked around to see where my mother had gone, but she was standing in the doorway tapping her wrist and sporting a shiner! I wanted to stay and hang out but my ma was ready and I said “Jo is it cool if we do this another time? I can’t have pizza right now.”

 So, I got out of line, and I’m sad to report… Batman was left behind to fight the toy stores crimes alone.

As I climbed in our white and turquoise ‘V dubyah’ I waved goodbye at all the happy people that came to wave goodbye with one finger. I sighed, because I feel bad knowing they might never see my radiance ever again.

Let me leave you with this little saying I created “Never leave a turkey in the fridge, because its friends might come to warm it up.” Make sense? Great I knew it would. 

Parting with me is such sweet sorry, but until next time friends. 

the murph

News Article: A Florida Man Donates his Family to the Miami Dolphins

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“Palm Beach- FL.   A warm sun pokes its head out above the orange highlighted waves. Charles Venger II walks along the beach every morning with his beautiful wife Terry (Theresa). Charles is a die-hard football fan, and his favorite team? You guessed it: the Miami Dolphins. Growing up he had ample opportunity to be swoon with the team by the coaching of Don Shula and the athletic prowess of players like Dan Marino, Eugene Morris, Bob Brudzinski, Manny Fernandez, and many more. Unsurprisingly his infatuation with the team translated over to his personal life. From collecting all the memorabilia he can get his hands on: a signed Reggie Bush jersey and helmet to creating an entire basement dedicated to the dolphins he affectionately calls ‘the dolphin tank’.

But, recently he has taken his dolphins love to a whole new level. He has signed a contract stipulating that his family belongs to the Miami Dolphins. The Miami Dolphins’ legal team has looked over the contract, much to their bewilderment. But, knowing a good deal when they see one they decided to jump on it. The Dolphins’ legal department have not released the details of the contract to the public just yet. Although, we did have a chance to catch up with Mr. Venger as he exited the Sun Life Stadium. “I don’t know where all this publicity is coming from. I love the team. So much so that they have been a part of my family, and being a part of a family means you chip in, right? So, I signed my family over to the Miami Dolphins to help out. Anything from cleaning the gum off the bottom of the seats to washing jock straps for the team. Anything.” He would not disclose the terms of the agreement either.
The Chairman of the Board Stephen Ross commented briefly “I have looked over the contract and found it satisfactory. They will be “helping” with the day-to-day operations all day every day.”

Charles’ wife and two kids, the boy Franklin 9 years old and the girl Francesca 11, had no idea of the arrangement. Shock would be putting it mildly. Charles had his wife sign the contract thinking it was to pay off their car loan.
A long talk will surely be raised at home, but for now they are Dolphins property.

The Dolphins have a few unexpected draft picks this year: The Venger Family. — Associated Press J. Colliluori”