The Stuff that Murphs are Made of
3/26/14 12:00 P.M.
There I was lady Murphs and papa Murphs; in the midst of the darkest foulest creature of them all… This stinky entity oozed disgusting dribble and spewed horrible nonsense in all directions. I, personally, feel the need to hawk up food that I ate from now to two weeks ago at the thought.
I am referring to Math, my Murphs, Math.
So, let me get right into. I was there in my Lululemon yoga pants stretching out my hammies…. Gotcha (winky face)! I was rocking my 80’s style “Scooby Doo” T-shirt, my rainbow jeans, and my groovy Jesus sandals. I had my head phones in and, quite literally, rocking out to the new Lego Movie song “Everything is awesome” featuring my home-slices ‘The Lonely Island’. I was doing a two-step right in the doorway to get psyched up for my mathematics class. People were so in awe of my jiggery that they were giving me looks of absolute love and desire to be with me (sorry, ladies only FYI!). I rocked back and forth on my heels and punched into the air like I was Rocky Balboa on the speed bag. And by complete accident, I accidentally gave an uppercut worthy of Rocky to the campus security guard.
The security guard saw stars, and by stars I meant he saw me as a star. The black uniform, badge bearing uniform security guard appreciated the strength of my punch so much that he tried to wrestle me playfully! He squeezed me very tightly, but I wouldn’t be bested! I squirmed out like a baby mole rat doused in baby oil sliding around on butter. He tried to catch me again, and I yelled gleefully behind me as I ran into the grassy field by the school “If you catch me I will dropkick you!” He became winded and shouted how much he wanted to be best friends and hang out. Alas, Darwin’s social theory “Only the cool survive, and the rest are uncool.” For the record I received an F on my BIO 101 test, which stands for “first in the class” (if you don’t believe me than get one yourself and see).
So, I circle back to the school all the while singing my own original song: the Insanely Happy Song:
“I’m happy so freaking happy!
Today is not at all crappy.
I’m awesome, you’re awesome, and we’re awesome.
There’s only 24 hours in a day to be happy and that’s the only thing that’s irksome
Not having fun? Awww poo poo!
I am so happy I high fived a polar bear and played cards with a tiger
Today is so awesome I flew over an active volcano with a hand glider!”
(And that’s only 1 verse out of 500)
As I finally roll up into class like an ultra-cool version of Fonz from Happy days; my teacher Dr. Portici, aka Dr. Porcupine, smiled at me and pointed at the clock. The clocks face shown 12:00 P.M., and class started at 11:00 A.M. He obviously was ecstatic that I showed up. He coughed loudly as I got my last couple of dance moves out before I sat down. I high fived my girl Brianna and she blew a kiss at me which I caught ‘in flight’ and placed on my cheek.
Then the trouble started… I opened up the ancient Greek textbook known as “Math”. Now, as some of you hyper intelligent Jesters and Harlequins might know, I have a serious phobia of Math and its squirrely nature. What do I mean by squirrely? Math jumps from tree to tree and then asks you how tall the tree is, and then how tall each tree is compared to the other tree, etc. etc. Not only that but those accursed word problems are as torturous as those awful ‘One-Direction’ girls and their incessant crowing. So, Mr. Porcupine opens his mouth and the ‘Blah, Blah, Blah’ immediately starts spewing forth. My eyes become glossier than card stock paper at Staples. I start leaning forward getting my slump on, and start working on the next 500 verses of “Insanely Happy”. Then out of nowhere the room gets quiet, and all eyes are on me, which quite frankly is not unusual. I keep working on the verses when my teacher coughs, and I look up. He’s frowning and pointing again. His finger is pointing at the white board.
“Oh. Mr. Porcu… I mean Mr. Portici you want me to answer the math question.”
“Why, yes, sir. I was so afraid I was taking you away from your future award winning hit song ‘Insanely Happy’. Could you please humble me and your fellow classmates and answer this question?”
So I popped up like a whack-a-mole and did the electric slide all the way up to the front. I snatched the green marker from his hand and went immediately to work. The question was “2 = 4x + 7” one of those ‘slope-intercept’ questions or some such nonsense.
Ah, it was beautiful great pen strokes of powerful light green cascaded over the white board. It took me about 5 minutes to complete it. It was the most gorgeous thing I had ever seen. It was a drawing of Michelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
My teacher was speechless, and if I remember correctly I thought I saw a tear in his eyes. I dropped the marker on the floor, packed my things, and finally gave the “peace-out” V with my fingers and let myself out of the back. Everyone was clapping and you could hear it all the way down the hall.
Ladies and gentleman… I am awesome.