Month: January 2014
Friday 29th, 2013 12:01 AM
Ladies and Murphinators… I come before you in a state of disbelief.
Now, why would the Murph write about such an alien ritual? No, need to ask, because I’ll tell you why. Because the exact reason why you’re hear right now: The Murph.
I had never heard of this Black Friday shenanigans until my darling, sweet mother yelled upstairs to my bachelor pad/game room “HONEY! BLACK FRIDAY!” Consequently I was playing ‘BLACK OPS’ and dominating with a kill streak of 0 kills and 10,000 deaths. I was so good my gun became a pacifist, because of all the slaughter-housing I was committing. So, when I heard my mother cry out I tossed my X-box 180 (that’s what I call it, because I don’t need the extra 180) controller out of the open window and dashed/jigged my way down the stairs. I forgot my pants so I raced up stairs and found some parachute pants, and I threw on my best suit jacket coupled with my favorite Monster (from the Muppets) t-shirt on underneath, and returned to the landing to present my pulchritudinous self to my dearest mother.
When she looked at me tears of joy filled her eyes and she said “Oh, my boy… Why do you have to dress like that?” And of course she meant that in a ‘you look like a Calvin Klein model dressed like that’ sort of way. With that, my fans, we hopped in our Volkswagen Bus, and scurried our way to the outlet stores. All the while the cool winter breeze was giving me high fives as I sat on the window (basically halfway out of the van), but don’t worry we were only stopped by a cop so that he could flash some strobe lights on me and to give my mom his signature so we could hang out and get a beer or something.
And when we arrived to this desk drawer of a strip mall (I call places desk drawers because that’s where you have everything you need: pencils, socks, gum, maybe a slingshot, whatever). Mom, accidentally backed into some ‘limited edition’ Ferrari as she was parking, and the old guy stormed out of his car and started hyperventilating with anger. He literally started stomping his feet into the ground, and breathing so hard his head lowered all the way to his chest and rose all the way back up to the crest of where his neck would allow. Now, hear me out: my theory is that he was SO mad he didn’t get a chance to meet me earlier. My mom was upset too, because all this geriatric needed to do was Google me and I’m on my Myspace!
So, you know what I did? I walked up to him and said “No, need to fuss Grandpa time, I’m here now.” And he gave me this look of complete admiration that almost brought me to tears. I got in close and gave him a hug and whispered in his ear “Love is for the ants that search in the picnic basket.” I pulled away and looked him in the eyes, and I could that he felt the love, otherwise how would the vein in his forehead pump so much love into his heart?! I did a little cha-cha and gave him my signature wink and danced off into the neon sunset.
AND now I finally make it into the store!
As I step on the black mat that serves as a welcomed mat to my grace the two glass doors part for me like magic. I scuttled up to the cash register and pulled the mic close in to me and depressed the button and said,” This is your DJ of delight, your General of Groove, your Master of Music, Your secretary of…” and just as I was getting through the first half the clerk pulled it away from me! He tried scolding me, but I waved my hand and shook my tush at him, and wandered off into the toy aisle.
It was like a mad house in there! People were fighting just to get a glimpse at me. Women were tearing at each others weave, and children were plastic sword fighting to the death. Just a beautiful sight for any entertainer my age. I saw my mother even try to restrain a woman by throwing her into a pyramid of bath products! Ha!
When, I finally found the “Etch-a-Sketch”, Batman action figures, and Yu-gi-oh! playing cards I was looking for I threw them up in the air and caught one with my face and the others I had to search for on the floor, but I’m tellin’ ya… I got mad talent. I hid them in my jacket, because I felt as if one of my fans might attempt to take something I touched and sell it on Ebay… So I took off like a shot to the front of the store and went up to the bright red cash register that said #1.
The cashier looked at me and said “Uh, sir there’s a line in front of you.” He had a loud squeaky voice that would irritate the Bajeezus out of any normal, and sane human being.
I guffawed and looked at this cashier named “M.G” and said “Look, pal I don’t see a line in front of me. In fact there is no line in front of me, so just ring up the masters’ goods and I will shake your hand.”
He looked at me with his big buck teeth blinding me and with a trembling voice “Sorry, sir… um… please, don’t do this. I suck.”
A customer tapped me on the shoulder and piped in “Hey, I’m next” he said angrily.
I took the customers hand from my shoulder and balled it into a fist, and fist bumped him and replied “I know, man. This guy M.G just won’t shut-up and do his job. Retailers, ya know what I’m sayin’?”
As I was conversing with the gentlemen in the leather jacket apparently the little weasel got in touch with his manager! And so this large heavy set man named Jo came out. He had a crew cut and a poorly kept mustache, and if I could accurate tell he had a large quarter sized drop of mustard on his white oxford shirt. I believe he came out and said “Who is this attractive young man with the cool haircut?”
M.G scratched his neck nervously and answered “He cut the line, sir.” He looked as if he were about to #1 AND #2 at the sheer terror my awesomeness causes.
The manager looked at me and said “Hey, man. You and me are cool. Don’t worry about this crap. I’ll buy you some pizza, but you have to wait on the pizza, is that cool?”
I looked around to see where my mother had gone, but she was standing in the doorway tapping her wrist and sporting a shiner! I wanted to stay and hang out but my ma was ready and I said “Jo is it cool if we do this another time? I can’t have pizza right now.”
So, I got out of line, and I’m sad to report… Batman was left behind to fight the toy stores crimes alone.
As I climbed in our white and turquoise ‘V dubyah’ I waved goodbye at all the happy people that came to wave goodbye with one finger. I sighed, because I feel bad knowing they might never see my radiance ever again.
Let me leave you with this little saying I created “Never leave a turkey in the fridge, because its friends might come to warm it up.” Make sense? Great I knew it would.
Parting with me is such sweet sorry, but until next time friends.