An Open Letter to My dream Job

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Dear Hiring manager,

Why are we kidding ourselves here? You know I’m qualified. I mean look at me; this is literally the first time of put on a tie since… Well, that’s not important, but the point is that I know how to to a tie. Four years in college didn’t just instruct me on the fine art of drinking shots out of a squirt gun. No, sir I have learned how to deal with low level peons like you sir. Not that you are any less of this fine company than any of your colleagues, but you’re what an entry level position?  But, hey let’s not get caught up in semantics, yeah?

I  would like to take this time to list my qualifications:

  1. I’m not a suck up like you.
  2. I like to listen to Boys 2 Men while I am being officially reprimanded.
  3. I can turn on a computer.
  4. … I can turn up the volume on the computer.
  5. I generally look and act professional Monday through Friday (exclude weekdays).
  6. Project Management: I can manage the Fantasy football League.
  7. I have a BS. (I play cards all the time).

Need I say any more darling hiring manager? Now, of course you will look at my resume and instantly think “I want to be this man.” and I will have to lightly slap your cheek and tell you “no you can’t.” So, please forward this to your boss and tell them how impressed you were, and you had a literal religious experience touching my application.

I think I should let you know a few things about myself though. I require at least 2 hours of YouTube time a day. I just so happen to be a YouTube partner so if you don’t like that then phooey on you sir. I take 2 hour naps broken up over the 8 hour work day ( 2 hours = 1/2 hour naps every 2 hours). If I had a choice whether to help a coworker out or continue to focus on a big project: my choice would be neither. If my professional football team loses on Sunday, Monday, or Thursday don’t approach me until I have screamed for 5 minutes and punched in the air for another good 2 minutes. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention… I like to take 2 hour lunches (you know just in case I eat something heavy and need to sleep it off). So, please notify your boss right now… lackey. One more thing… I also need a .25 cent raise every week, thanks.

You know I believe it was Emperor Tojo in the Civil War that said “I have not yet begun to fight.” And that is how I feel about this job. If you don’t give me this job then I will fight your company. Not with the legal system, no. I will fight you with a mob the likes of which haven’t been seen since Frankenstein, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, or at least Rome in its hey-day. We will bust out the rusty pitch forks and gird up our loins, and fight the oppressive establishment that didn’t hire me! Not only that but we will use Krav Maga  on the old people of the office, and then burn your address books! … But hey just warning.

I eagerly await your phone call mentioning how glad you are to have hired me. If you don’t… It’ll be like Fight Club. Okay man!



“I could burn the building down…”



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