Month: November 2013
Dear Hiring manager,
Why are we kidding ourselves here? You know I’m qualified. I mean look at me; this is literally the first time of put on a tie since… Well, that’s not important, but the point is that I know how to to a tie. Four years in college didn’t just instruct me on the fine art of drinking shots out of a squirt gun. No, sir I have learned how to deal with low level peons like you sir. Not that you are any less of this fine company than any of your colleagues, but you’re what an entry level position? But, hey let’s not get caught up in semantics, yeah?
I would like to take this time to list my qualifications:
- I’m not a suck up like you.
- I like to listen to Boys 2 Men while I am being officially reprimanded.
- I can turn on a computer.
- … I can turn up the volume on the computer.
- I generally look and act professional Monday through Friday (exclude weekdays).
- Project Management: I can manage the Fantasy football League.
- I have a BS. (I play cards all the time).
Need I say any more darling hiring manager? Now, of course you will look at my resume and instantly think “I want to be this man.” and I will have to lightly slap your cheek and tell you “no you can’t.” So, please forward this to your boss and tell them how impressed you were, and you had a literal religious experience touching my application.
I think I should let you know a few things about myself though. I require at least 2 hours of YouTube time a day. I just so happen to be a YouTube partner so if you don’t like that then phooey on you sir. I take 2 hour naps broken up over the 8 hour work day ( 2 hours = 1/2 hour naps every 2 hours). If I had a choice whether to help a coworker out or continue to focus on a big project: my choice would be neither. If my professional football team loses on Sunday, Monday, or Thursday don’t approach me until I have screamed for 5 minutes and punched in the air for another good 2 minutes. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention… I like to take 2 hour lunches (you know just in case I eat something heavy and need to sleep it off). So, please notify your boss right now… lackey. One more thing… I also need a .25 cent raise every week, thanks.
You know I believe it was Emperor Tojo in the Civil War that said “I have not yet begun to fight.” And that is how I feel about this job. If you don’t give me this job then I will fight your company. Not with the legal system, no. I will fight you with a mob the likes of which haven’t been seen since Frankenstein, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, or at least Rome in its hey-day. We will bust out the rusty pitch forks and gird up our loins, and fight the oppressive establishment that didn’t hire me! Not only that but we will use Krav Maga on the old people of the office, and then burn your address books! … But hey just warning.
I eagerly await your phone call mentioning how glad you are to have hired me. If you don’t… It’ll be like Fight Club. Okay man!
“I could burn the building down…”
First, I must comment on the relationship between not just this young woman, but a relationship shared by certain people with their animals/pets. It is a bond that literally needs no words to communicate feelings, desires, and love. Earlier in this blogs history you might remember a re-blog of a post about a man who loved his husky so much he would walk his arthritic dog into the cools waters of a lake they lived off of to sooth the dog and put him to sleep. It is a relationship that transcends the world and its boundaries and looks deeply into a simpler world.
This picture spoke to me because of just adorable nature of this photograph. As someone who does not spend much time with animals (my most recent experience was being bitten by one) it touches my heart, because it makes me believe it is possible to have that special relationship with an animal.
“One person can make a difference and every person should try.”
–John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Change? What does this word change mean? All too often the word is associated with a sort of 180 degree turn from failure to success. That idea is flawed at the very inception of this notion.
Change is gradual.
And by the example put forth by John F. Kennedy in this quote: we have a duty to fufill if positive change is what we seek.
It is not a murky ideal of the greater good or some distant and unachievable goal. Whims and fancy do not effect the outcome whatsoever. As any good parent will tell their child “anything worth having is something that doesn’t come easy.” Change isn’t easy.
Change is the realization of small goals.
Baby steps. One foot must be put in front of the other to achieve success in changing something (consquently Rome was not built in a day).
But have no doubt. Change is possible. The falling tree IS heard in when it does crash to the ground, the stars CAN be reached, and you CAN achieve your dreams.
JFK had a plan.
If you plant the seeds of empowerment in people those tiny mustard seeds will grow into a proud, tall, and colorful plant. By making people believe in themselves, and want to succeed, amazing things were accomplished. If you are familiar with history JFK announced that America would go to the moon, and while he did not live to see his dream follow through…
On July 20th, 1969: We walked on the moon with Apollo 11.
It is Time to Act
Change begins with the changing of the way we think. JFK believed that we all have the capability within us to make a change, and be the people to put a man on the moon, and we have a duty to prove him right. Just like our fallen president our lives can flicker out just as shortly as our last breath or as long as the blink of an eye. What do you stand to lose? What do you stand to gain? The world needs you to realize your incredible potential, and change the course of history much like JFK did.
Find your change, and live it.