“Woodstock, VA.- On a particularly chilly Monday morning police found themselves baffled by a shocking 58 counts of indecent exposure that ran unabashed (no pun intended). From Flora Vista Lane all the way down to Riverview Park sightings of the streakers were reported. We caught up with one of the locals for comment. Martha Winnfeld was tending to some morning upkeep at Woodstocks’ own Presbyterian church “I was taking out the trash and checking on some odds and ends when suddenly… I saw one…,” referring to the streakers,” I was horrified… A young man wearing NOTHING but a SMILE! When he saw me, he stopped, put his hands behind his head and…” At this point Mrs. Winnfeld’s eyes filled with heavy tears. “He did a hip thrust.”
Local Woodstock P.D. were called on numerous accounts by disgusted and shocked towns folk. Other locals described the incident as “gross”, “flabby”, “unwarranted”, and even “hot”. One office (who will remain nameless) commented “It is unprecedented to have this sort of wanton nudity.” He was one of many officers who had to chase down the undressed sprinters Monday morning. For now there are no established motives, but police have identified a ring leader. A young lady by the name of Haley “Jay bird” Spen. She currently is detained in Shenandoah County Jail. The report filed her, metaphorically, the nucleus of a streaking platoon. Upon further investigation “Jay bird” had apparently orchestrated the entire event. I was fortunate enough to get an interview with J.B. “Yeah, they call me the ring leader,” she snorts,” because I’m the man, and I like running around with no clothes on. Hey, I’ve got a whole (expletive) army of sleeper streakers ready to be activated. Don’t test me.” The interview had to be ended early.
If you see any streakers around the Woodstock area please contact police chief Wiggum (not to be confused with the Simpsons). He has formed a special “non streaking department” otherwise known as “NOSTD”. Public officials are working on another name.
“So, before you think about running around in the nude, think twice. Ask the 58 young men and women who are in the correctional facility.” Chief Wiggum. “”
Associated Press: Josh C.